THE CRUSHING ANGUISH OF SHAME

I woke up early one morning with sweating hands and feet. My heart felt like it was pounding out of my chest. Each year I pick a word to focus on and this is not where I thought I would be, just four months into my year of yielding. But here I was, trying to figure out if I should tell my husband that I had been lying to him in effort to cover my shame. I knew that in order to restore what I had broken, I would have to be honest. The first thought that came to mind was, “he will never know if I don’t tell him.” Ah ha…I have heard that voice before. It was a very familiar voice. A voice that sounded sweet and enticing but was full of poison. Even if my husband would not find out, God would know and I could no longer live with that.  

I would have to trust that if I obeyed God in refusing to speak falsehood that he would protect me. 

That same morning, I felt true brokenness. Over the years, I had become so good at numbing pain, protecting myself and saving face. Once the blinders of shame were lifted, my soul was consumed by anguish…true, overwhelming, debilitating anguish. The walls that I had spent so many years carefully building up were slowly crumbling down, and it was petrifying. How did the walls of self protection get here? When did I start building them? How had I been so blinded to my shame for so long? The pain was crushing, pressing in on every side. Curled up on my bed in a ball, I felt naked and afraid…all alone.  

I had operated in this space for so long that freedom seemed foreign to me. I was a captive finally being set free, and I didn’t know what to do with my freedom. 

This was the beginning of my journey through shame. For a long time, shame convinced me that revealing my past and the things that happened to me would lead to rejection from others. From a functional standpoint, I lived my life as if forgiveness had not been given to me. Although Jesus has already won the ultimate victory, Satan had been winning this battle. He had me right where he wanted me, chained to the sins of my past. The very sins that Christ had already paid for on the cross with the shedding of his blood. These chains kept me from having more intimate relationships with others and contributed to the development of insecurities and lies about myself.

Maybe you’ve been in this place before? If so, I am here to proclaim there is hope and freedom. The only way to get through this dark valley of shame is to walk through it. Praise Jesus, you do not have to do it alone. God has promised to be there. He has promised his strength and comfort and has given you authority to resist the devil. (Isaiah 41:10)

Your loving Father is calling you to live in freedom. How will you respond?

There are several resources that I would recommend as you courageously begin to trudge through the muck of shame. If you are like me and find books helpful, check out the recommended books on my blog listed under the resources tab. 

If you are a believer in Christ, there is freedom on the other side. If you are not a believer and long for freedom and life, I would love to tell you about my Jesus!

“‘You’re the first person I’ve ever told…’ When a counselee says this to me, it doesn’t matter what confession follows. I know that moment is Spirit-wrought victory: a glorious movement from darkness to light, from isolation to community, from secrecy and hiding to freedom and new life. It is heroic and admirable – a glimpse of what God intends our lives and relationships to be.” (Esther Liu, Shame: Being Known and Loved)

So today is the day…dare to step into the light! Dare to be honest amid your brokenness, for when you are weak, the Lord is strong.