“Please guard me from impure thoughts, self-righteousness, resentment and bitterness. Please, through the power of the Holy Spirit enable me to love and serve my husband in a way that would bring you glory and honor. Help me to truly forgive. I pray that the women who were having sex with my husband would find no rest or peace until they look to you as their Savior and seek forgiveness. Father, help me to forgive them. Protect my heart and mind from bitterness and unforgiveness towards them. Father, protect me from Satan’s lies and accusations. You see me Father. You know that I am so very weary. I surrender all to you. If it is more time needed to care for Scott, then I surrender my time and pain and suffering to you. If you need me to stay in the midst of these raging waters, I will stay and I will work on trusting you. I long to be freed from this heartache…”
These were the words I had written in my prayer journal on November 26, 2021, just a few weeks before my late husband passed away. The end of his life was a story of God’s incredible faithfulness and great tragedy.
One morning around 3am, I woke up to Scott weeping in our bed. I remember trying to hold him and asking what was wrong. His response was for me to quit being so nice to him because he didn’t deserve it. I did not understand what he meant by those words until he said, “Lauren, I have been unfaithful to you… multiple times.” O, the sting of those words. I have never, ever felt anything like that before! The searing pain I felt in those moments…I didn’t even know was humanly possible. My world was obliterated. My soul ached. Surely I misunderstood what he said. I asked him to repeat it, and he spoke those same words again. I then, regrettably, asked who they were and for details (One word of advice: if you find yourself in this situation, don’t ask for details. You don’t really want to know. It doesn’t help. It doesn’t make it any easier). I wasn’t sure how to respond to this information. My mind was going in a million different directions. On one hand, I was absolutely furious and on the other; I felt lost and confused.
That day left an indelible memory of searing pain and feelings of desperation. I went to a friend’s house and cried until there were no more tears to cry and then I returned home to care for my kids and my dying husband.
I will confess the thoughts that were consuming me were not God-honoring. I spent the rest of the day sitting in my bedroom with Scott, reading God’s word and praying for those women, all while trying to make sense of it all. It was quite a humbling experience to pray for those I saw as my enemy.
The next morning, I woke up around 3am and it was the first time Scott had to use the bedside commode. At that point, we didn’t have liners, so there I was, 24 hours after being confronted with the most heartbreaking truths, cleaning up his feces while weeping. I remember a moment of thinking that on some level, this must be how God feels about me. I run after lovers in this world every day, looking for satisfaction and fulfillment instead of running to God. I choose (fill in the blank) over God. Yet, he has great compassion and mercy on me. God has forgiven me and continues to love me while knowing that I am going to continue to struggle in remaining faithful to him alone. Wow! Brother and sister in Christ, do you feel the weight of that? Our heavenly Father pursues us in our wanderings. He pursued Adam and Eve in the garden (Genesis 3), he pursued Hagar in her heartache (Genesis 16), and to this day, he continues to pursue his rebellious children. Praise God that he is the one that holds onto me and does not let me go.
“Even there your hand shall lead me, and your right hand shall hold me” (Psalm 139:10)
Although this story seems like a great tragedy there is hope intertwined with the pain! The Lord has been my faithful comfort and my strength through it all. Praise the Lord that through the life, death and resurrection of Christ on the cross, Scott’s sins were forgiven. Praise the Lord that at his death, Scott could stand before God clothed in the righteousness of Christ. The same is true for you and for me. No matter what we have done, no matter how far we have gone, Jesus is calling us to come back home. When we stand before God, he doesn’t see all of our ugliness and mistakes. Do you know what he sees?
He sees the beauty and righteousness of his Son, Jesus. The one who left all that he had in Heaven to come to this earth in order to bring salvation. Jesus is still pursuing you in spite of your sinfulness. Hallelujah, we serve a merciful and mighty God.
“For our sake he made him to be sin who knew no sin, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God.” 2 Corinthians 5:21
“For I will be merciful toward their iniquities, and I will remember their sins no more.” Hebrews 8:12
“For God so loved the world,that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life. For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but in order that the world might be saved through him.” John 316-17
“For thus says the Lord God: Behold, I, I myself will search for my sheep and will seek them out.” Ezekiel 34:11
NOTE: I know that there are far too many men and women affected by adultery. I will be adding an additional blog post sharing what I found helpful in processing and healing from it.
Lauren this is a story of pain, heartbreak and suffering and a story of forgiveness, God’s grace and mercy. You journey your walk with God so well. All respect. Praying that Holy Spirit will lead you to minister to other woman who are in pain so that you can help them navigate their journey with God.
The picture of you holding Scott in the hospital is one that has left a mark on me. It reminds me that, while we don’t deserve it, God draws us near and holds us with grace and compassion. Thank you for sharing your story.
I watched Redeeming Love on yesterday – and your story reminds me of that same redemptive love which is so very powerful and far reaching. But oh so painful is the journey. May Jesus continue to bless you and may His grace empower you as it awakens and ignites your soul to walk in all He has planned for you.
You displayed such love that could have only come from the Lord in a time of deep heart ache. You have shown us how deep HIS love is for us in spite of where we have been and what we have done …. and that there is always a way back. The Lord bless you as He uses you to bring healing to many .